Trigger warning
I’m annoyed about the failures of the system. This will be a rant, don’t expect normal sentence structure here. Y’all have no idea the nuclear mountain of pain I have, and this shit below is just what I can write.
And when I say I spent years trying to document everything I could to prove it, and took it to the FBI and then…. nothing?! Oh, they sent me to Utah. Oh, and coincidentally a few days later the house was burned down with me trapped in it, with more anoxia than most humans survive and brain damage as a result. There’s a whammy that I literally can’t explain to you – my soul was already broken from three years of trauma, but then my mind shattered from the brain damage. I literally can’t explain how that complicated everything, but to say I started off worse than Dory from Finding Nemo would be sugarcoating it. I could remember some words, but not others. I remembered how to drive, but not that a car would need oil.
The state of my memory was fried. When I started to remember the hell I went through, flashback attacks – like having frames of hundreds of differents of moments would occur. Anything that my mind thought might remind me of something that might remind me of the pain would cause my speech and thought to break down, destroying my ability to make sense to normal people.
I can’t tell you how many reports I made about all the shit I’ve seen, but because he broke me they mostly ignored me as crazy. They couldn’t realize how manipulative, evil people can destroy you. I was trapped, homeless, and just a little better off than a slave – but psychologically brutalized and broken to the point I couldn’t speak a word and was in complete and utter submission to him in terror. I can tell you I tried calling multiple agencies, multiple times, and they all pretty much dismissed me as deranged – compounding how broken I became.
What broke me is hard to tell, because it destroyed me. Anyone who has met me in person can feel the damage I carry. Do I bother telling how he brainwashed and mute that I could hardly utter a few words, but was so terrorized that I lost the ability to communicate most things and when I did try to speak it was broken at best? If y’all seen some of my social media posts, you might have seen one or two of my breakdowns. I became homeless because he wouldn’t allow me any time off – and told me to sleep in the abandoned building next to it! He made me alter paperwork every week, and basically none of the paperwork or tax documents were accurate. Do I bother mentioning how virtually all of the business’ paperwork was fraudulent?
What’s the point of mentioning how I was just going to kill myself, and when he realized how broken I was he forced the most beautifully damaged angel to pretend to care for me? Do I mention how she couldn’t keep up the act, but for a short time we shared something? How she was in such a fucked up situation, and I was powerless to protect her. It made me so angry when she had her breakdowns. If you’ve seen how broken my speech in person…. hers was worse, and you don’t want to know that backstory. The way she was brutalized filled me with anger, I wanted to protect her but the only “privilege” I had was that the boss would her come to me at any time… because he was using her to keep me killing myself.
We planned to get our lives back by trying to document all it all and expose him, but then because we were dumb he found out… and his response I cannot even type. I would try to type those words, but my body will not allow me to say what happened and what he threatened to do to her. This part of my life is very hard to remember, I have to block out the memories and force them to the back of the mind to avoid flashbacks occuring. It’s easier for me to remember things as flashbacks, and when that happens it feels like I become that broken person again.
What I can remember is that I made the most frantic 911 call ever, screaming to the system in such broken words that they could only understand the pain behind them. I know he at least threatened to hurt her in such an inhumane manner, that I will not say the words. What complicates it even more was that she was pregnant. Believe me when I say I’ve tried, but since that day I haven’t been able to properly understand body language or connect with any human on anything but the most basic of level. Every time I try, my body’s internal systems go out of whack. I have to summon massive amounts of energy just to try and hold small talk.
If a woman is dumb enough to show interest in me before realizing how damaged I am, all I can think of is her. Her story didn’t get better for years. Parts of me wants to try to reconnect with her, but she doesn’t know that I made that 911 call to protect her from him and keep her away for good.
And for most of the last decade, those flashbacks and panic attacks would trigger at a whim. Many of y’all in the tech world may have been on a phone call with me where suddenly my speech didn’t make a lick of sense. That’s why. Ever since those days, if someone touches me in any way – I usually have a shaking reaction.
Last week was the anniversary of the last time I saw her, and it killed me as I heard the hate that came from her. She didn’t know that I was doing it to protect her, and I had to make her hate me to do it properly.
I tried telling this story a thousand times after the fire happened, but between being completely psychologically broken and brain damaged – no body listened to me seriously.
The beginning of each January always has at least a few breakdowns when I flashback to those moments and the coldness it left me. And because no one had the ability to hear me when I was suffering through those days, or after what happened outside of some minor basic ass wage claims which only covered a small part of how much I worked. I can’t tell you the level of burnout that caused.
This year had the most explosive breakdowns. I usually can keep semi-distracted with work, but his year I had no distractions. I couldn’t focus on even reviewing things. I wish I could tell her everything, but if she realized what I went through to try to protect her and get both of of justice…. and then failed…. first, it would mindfuck her on multiple levels. And the only thing I ever wanted was for her to be safe and happy, I won’t risk anything that might put her at risk, which is why I don’t use her name or where this happened. Officially, he’s dead. He probably is, but I’m paranoid for a reason. And even if there’s a 1% chance my stating more details could cause that old threat to happen, I won’t chance it.
…I’m not sure where that leaves me. I look at my options, and I try to see paths forward to healing. Because no one listened to the problems I was trying to express, I never had any treatment outside of the hospital stay. If I had a “normal” frame of reference to compare to, maybe there might be a viable path. But I can’t really remember what it’s like to be normal. The only happy moments I remember were with her.
When I try to express all of the things above, and what I haven’t said here? My communication turns to shit. I’m functioning out of spite at this point. The only way I really “function” is by turning into a hermit. A few months ago I finally began to control and limit the flashbacks, and my mind no longer spins at a thousand miles an hour – at least until I try to talk to people.
…but I’m starting to think that my body is just giving up. My emotions haven’t been regulated very well without the constant presence of panic attacks and flashbacks, and sometimes go on roller coaster rides. My motivation levels are rock bottom, things I should be able to do in a few minutes now take days or longer. Sometimes I wake up with pure anger at how I couldn’t protect her and I don’t move for hours.
That loneliness makes me feel like I’m just a ghost wandering this planet because of unfinished business and the need for justice and healing which… probably aren’t even possible in any form anymore. I want to be realistic, but how is healing realistic with this level of damage?